Hey Delbert, said Arthur, I need some advice from you I don’t know what to do.
- What's wrong Arthur old friend, asked Delbert.
- Well Delbert, my wife Gertrude has been acting really strange lately. Sometimes when her phone rings she rushes to another room where I can't hear her. She comes home wearing new jewelry, and she won't tell me who she got it from. She goes out at night without telling me where and when she comes home someone drops her off a few houses down and she walks the last part. She says she's working late but I just don't believe it. Last night I went out on the street a bit before she usually arrives home from her secret trip, I hid behind my car and waited. While I was down on my knees behind the car I noticed that the muffler was quite rusty and had a small rust hole in the bottom, is there any way I can fix that or do I need to change the muffler?.
Arthur had taken up art and was showing his wife Gertrude his latest paintings.
- Yes Arthur, this one is really nice, and this one too. But oooh what is this hideous thing, that's the ugliest picture I've ever seen, please take it away before I puke my guts out honey.
- But Gertrude dear, that one is not one of my paintings, that's a mirror.
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Arthur gets pulled over for speeding.
Cop: - License and registration please. You were driving 50 in a 35 sir.
Arthur: - No officer, I'm pretty sure I was only driving maybe 40.
Arthur's wife Gertrude: - Officer, officer, I aw the speedometer, he was driving 53 exactly.
Cop: - I appreciate your honesty, ok 53 it is then. Also sir, are you aware that your tail light is out?
Arthur: - Oh really, I had no clue, thank you for telling me officer I'll have that fixed right away.
Gertrude: - Officer, officer, that light has been out for a month, I've been bugging him to fix it every single day.
Arthur turns to his wife and screams: - SHUT UP YOU @#$%&@ IDIOT!
Cop: - Mam, does he always talk that way to you?
- Only when he's drunk.
A street bum came up to Arthur in the supermarket parking lot.
- Hey man, you got 5 bucks for food?
- Sorry I'm all out of change but I just bought some beer, I'll give you a bottle if you want.
- Thanks man, I appreciate it but I don't drink.
- Oh, ok, well how about a smoke?
- Nah, I don't smoke either.
- Oh, ok well, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'm going out to the race track tomorrow and I got a tip, I'll put 10 bucks on the horse in your name.
- That's really kind of you sir but I don't gamble.
- No kidding, ok come home with me then, my wife's making dinner right now.
- I'd love that sir.
After geting home Arthur says:
- Gertrude honey I'm home, look I brought a guest for dinner. I want you to see what happens to people who don't drink, smoke or gamble.
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