Drunk Jokes Page 1

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After a long night of drinking with his friends at the local tavern Dave began to stagger homeward. He finally arrived at the front door of his house and went inside and passed out in his bed. He was very restless in bed was plagued by very strange dreams. He awoke to bright sunshine in his eyes, a dry mouth and pounding hangover headache. He looked at his watch and realized he was going to late for work. He was up like a shot, got dressed and ran out the house to his job. He clocked in to his job with seconds to spare. His boss stopped him a the door and said, ''I glad you made to work on time Dave. But why are you dressed like a cowboy?''.

You know Arthur, said Doctor Rueprecht, you really should quit drinking, it'll make your life longer.
- Yes Doctor, said Arthur, you're absolutely right. Yesterday I didn't have a drink all day and it was the longest day of my life.

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Arthur gets pulled over for speeding.
Cop: - License and registration please. You were driving 50 in a 35 sir.
Arthur: - No officer, I'm pretty sure I was only driving maybe 40.
Arthur's wife Gertrude: - Officer, officer, I aw the speedometer, he was driving 53 exactly.
Cop: - I appreciate your honesty, ok 53 it is then. Also sir, are you aware that your tail light is out?
Arthur: - Oh really, I had no clue, thank you for telling me officer I'll have that fixed right away.
Gertrude: - Officer, officer, that light has been out for a month, I've been bugging him to fix it every single day.
Arthur turns to his wife and screams: - SHUT UP YOU @#$%&@ IDIOT!
Cop: - Mam, does he always talk that way to you?
- Only when he's drunk.

Arthur had gone down to the corner bar for a couple of drinks, but it ended up being a bit more than that. At closing time he had had so much to drink that he couldn't even walk to the door.
He crawled out the door and sat down on the sidewalk outside thinking that if he waits a bit he'll be sober enough to walk home.
He waited about an hour and tried to get up but couldn't.
Oh well, he thought, I can't sit here all night, I'll just crawl home.
It took him a while to crawl home but he finally made it. He crawled into his house and up the stairs and into bed and fell asleep.
The next morning Arthur's wife Gertrude woke him up and said.
- Honey, they called from the corner bar and want to know when you're going to pick up your wheelchair.

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