Grandpa was telling tales down at the campfire to his grandkids.
''Well one time when I was just a lad I was walking home late one night. The full moon was peeking out from the clouds and air was chilly and I was in a hurry to get home. I decided to take a short cut that led right through the middle of the graveyard... As I passed an open grave suddenly a casket levitated out of the hole. I was scared and began to run as fast as I could home. But that casket began following me just floating along in mid air!.. Try as I might I could not out run it and it followed along with every twist and turn I made. At last I reached my house and ran inside. This floating box of the dead just barreled through the front door and was inside the house. I ran to to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet above the sink and grabbed a bottle that I knew that was kept there. I turned and faced this possessed casket and showed it the bottle that I held in my out stretched hand. The casket then dropped to ground and broke into thousands of dusty splinters..... ''
''What the heck was in that bottle?'' the grandkids asked.
''Why it was Robitussin!'' chuckled Grandpa,''Because it stops the COFFIN!''.
The Tomato Family is out a stroll in the park. Mommy and Daddy are leading the way however Baby Tomato keeps lagging behind. Daddy is getting madder and madder at Baby Tomato's inability to keep pace. Finally, Daddy Tomato totally loses his temper and walks back in a rage towards Baby Tomato and stomps him into a pulpy mess and screams,''Ketch Up!!!'' .
Mac is a rather large man and he is a substitute bus driver for the school district and is assigned a new route for the week. Monday morning he starts his run.....
At first stop a portly girl boards the bus...
Mac greets her,''Good morning, What's your name?''
''Patty'' she replies and she takes a seat.
At the second stop, another portly girl boards the bus.
Mac greets her, ''Good morning, What's your name?''
''Patty'' she replies and takes a seat.
At the third stop there is a mother waiting with her son.
Mac greets the boy, ''Good morning, What's your name?''
The mother speaks up on his behalf,''This is my son, Ross.. He really doesn't talk very much... Well.. He's kind of special. ''
The boy silently takes a seat.
At the fourth stop there is this wild looking boy waiting.
Mac greets him, ''Good morning, What's your name?''
The boy, full of energy, answers, ''Lester!.. Lester Cheese!'' and comes bounding aboard the bus and as soon as he sits down pulls off his shoes and begins picking at the callouses on his feet...
The week passes by and Mac thinks that actually this has been best behaved bunch of kids he has ever driven. He decides to to reward them with a special treat. So Thursday night he goes does to the bus barn with cans of brightly colored paint and artist brushes. On the side of the sides of the school bus he paints a mural featuring Cookie Monster, Bert & Ernie, Miss Piggy, Kermit the Frog, Elmo, and Big Bird.
Friday morning Mac starts his route and kids are just thrilled with the paint job. They are so excited! They start whooping and shouting and jumping up and down in their seats. The bus drives past a motorcycle cop and all of this commotion catches his attention and he pulls the school bus over.
The cop strolls up to the driver's window and says...
''Well, well, well! Who do we have here?''.....
''I'm Big Mac with two obese Patty's, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking his bunions, all on Sesame Street Bus!''.
Meanwhile, down at the Butcher's Shop..........
''I will meat you at my shop. '' said the Butcher to the Cow.
''Are those sausages any good?'' asked Ted.
''They are the wurst'' answered the Butcher.
What did the Butcher use to pay the IRS his overdue taxes?
......... ''Lien Beef!''......
What meat does a Vampire fear the most???
What do call hamburger that falls on the floor?
......... ''Ground Beef!''...........
What advice did the Attorney give the Butcher?