Miscellaneous Jokes Page 11
In deepest, darkest Equatorial Africa... Along the jungle lined banks of the Limpopo River... The heat is steamy and sweltering... Thick vines and foliage choke the water's edge.. The high pitch whining of insects and the chattering of birds fill the fetid air with sound.... In the tepid and muddy water are two hippos... Their bloated bodies submerged.. Their snouts just above surface.. One hippo turns to the other and says......
''I can't believe it's only Tuesday.''.
April 14, 1912..... The RMS Titanic is on it's maiden voyage steaming through the frigid night in the North Atlantic. It is a moonless night and not a breath of wind in the bighting cold. Suddenly, a cry from the crow's nest. ''Iceberg! Dead ahead!!!'' Too late! The mighty ship collides with this floating mountain of ice and is mortally wounded....
Captain E. J. Smith is summoned to the wheelhouse. Dressed in his great coat with epaulets and four stripes on the cuffs, cap with gold braid on the brim, and a neatly trimmed white beard.. He is a picture of authority and command. In a deep voice he speaks.... ''What is the the situation Chief Mate ?'' he asks the Officer of the Deck....
The Chief Mate replies..... ''Well, Captain... The iceberg has torn a hole 300 feet along the starboard side... Four compartments are holed... The flooding is overwhelming the bilge pumps... There are only enough life boats to hold just 2/3 of the passengers..... And the nearest rescue boat will not reach our position before the ''Titanic'' sinks''...
Captain Smith looks at the expectant faces of his crew.. And says....
''THIS is why we can't have anything nice!''.
Two explorers are captured by wild natives and tied up in the village center.... The tribal Chief approaches and asks the first captive explorer...
''Unga Bunga or death?''
The first explorer thinks what could be worse than death and answers,''I choose Unga Bunga!''
The Chief shouts,''Unga Bunga it is!!''
The tribesmen haul him off to the the jungle. For the two hours horrible screams are heard. Finally he is returned and collapses in front of the second explorer whimpering.... ''For God's sake man!! Choose death! Choose death.... ''
The tribal Chief approaches the second captive explorer and asks him....
''Unga Bunga or death?''
The second explorer says, following the advice of his poor suffering comrade'' I choose death!''
Then the Chief shouts, '' Death it is!... By Unga Bunga!''.
The Pope flies in from Vatican City and his private jet lands at Kennedy Airport, New York... A stretch limosine is there to pick him up and take him to his downtown hotel... The Pope says to the driver... ''You know back at the Vatican I rarely get to drive.. Would you mind if I drove?''... The Driver answers... ''You know, In all my years I have never rode in the back. You got a deal!''.... And so they take off down the freeway to town.. In the back of this fancy car behind dark tinted windows the driver is relaxing in luxury listening to the stereo and drinking scotch whiskey from the mini bar.... Up front, things are not going well.... It turns out Pope is a lousy driver.. Speeding and swerving through traffic.... His bad driving catches the attention of a State Trooper and he is pulled over... The trooper asks the Pope for his license and is stunned realizing he has just pulled over the Pope driving a limo.... The Trooper heads back to his cruiser and gets on the radio to his sergeant at State Police Headquarters and says....
''Hey Sarge!! I just pulled a really important guy for speeding. What should I do?''
''That depends,''asks the Sarge,''How important is he?''
''I'm not sure,''answers the Trooper,''All I know is that he has the Pope driving him!''.
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