Miscellaneous Jokes Page 1
Down on the farm...........
Zeb: ''I heard your dairy barn burned down. What happened?''
Jed: ''It was an udder disaster!''
Zeb: ''Looks like your herb garden is doing poorly. ''
Jed: ''I could really use some sage advice. ''
Zeb: ''I heard Santa Claus works for you in his off season. What does he do around your farm?''
Jed: ''Hoe, Hoe, Hoe!''
Some City Folks were visiting the dairy farm. They all watched as the farmer sat on a stool and milked a cow. Worried about missing his tour bus a man asked the farmer what time was it. The farmer lifted up the cow's udder and spoke....
''It's exactly 12:37. '' said the farmer.
''Wow! That's amazing that you can tell the time to exact minute by simply lifting you cow's udder! How did you ever acquire such a fantastic skill?'' asked the impressed man.
''Well,'' said the farmer, ''When I lift up the cow's udder, I can see the clock over there hanging on the barn wall. ''
Then there was the Old Sea Captain who wanted absolutely to never think or talk about his maritime career once it was over. When that time came he put a ship's anchor on the back of his truck and drove inland. When someone finally asked him, ''What the heck of a kind of farm plow is that you got there in the back of your truck?''. That's where he retired!.
Down on the farm the old mule was walking across the barnyard when it broke through the rotten wooden cover of an abandon well. It fell all the way to the bottom and began to bray and bray in distress. The old farmer heard all the commotion and realized there was no way he could rescue his mule and so sadly he realized he had to put the poor beast out of it's misery. He grabbed a shovel and with a heavy heart started to dump scoop after scoop of dirt down the well to bury the mule.
With each shovelful of dirt that landed on it's back the mule shook it off. The dirt began to build beneath it's hooves and slowly but surely the mule rose up the well and finally stepped out the well. The old farmer was overjoyed to see his mule again.
This just goes to show you that you shouldn't let an ass hole ruin your day!.
Down at the Grand Old Opry in Nashville, Tennessee there was a horrible scandal and a member of ''The Hee Haw Show'' was arrested and thrown in jail. An angry mob of fans of the show formed out in front of the courthouse and began a loud chanting.
''Free Samples! Free Samples! Free Samples! Free Samples!'' shouted the irate crowd.
''What kind of samples?'' asked a curious man passing by.
''Junior Samples!'' answered a crowd member.
''I knew there was catch!'' replied the man glumly.
Everyday Old Man Crump would walk to the jewelery store downtown and at noon he would stop and peer through the store's front window. He would then take out his pocket watch and set it to match exact twelve noon time on the store's big display clock and then leave.
Inside the store a shop clerk abruptly stopped his transaction with a customer and adjusted the big display clock. The curious customer asked the shop clerk,''How do you keep that display clock so accurate?''
''Well, you see,'' replied the shop clerk,''Whenever we see that old guy's face in the window, we know it is exactly noon!''.
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